You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
