I'd wear matching sweaters with you
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
