"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
