just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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