we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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