Barsexuality is the new black.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize