when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
