I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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