Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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