Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
