I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
