i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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