there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
