He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
