I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
