Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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