I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
