wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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