Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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