My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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