I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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