I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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