Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
