Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There's a naked man in my car right now.
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Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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