My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
