it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
