the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
