tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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