I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
