either way he was missing a nipple.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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