trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
