New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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