wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
