So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
