Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
