my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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