i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
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Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
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Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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