Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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