Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
