..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
