remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
