There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
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Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
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She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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