All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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