woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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