I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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