Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
