The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
