2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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