Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How does it feel to date your dad?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
