I wish my penis had an off switch
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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