I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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