did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
