We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My bed smells like the plague
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
