so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
