we have pet lesbian snakes
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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