He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
