you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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