i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
