Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
