Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
